God won my heart a month before my 12th birthday at a CFC-Youth camp in Edmonton. I spent nearly the entirety of my youth serving God, evangelizing and inviting friends to join my community, hoping that the Holy Spirit might touch their lives as He did with mine.

Years later, I began dreaming of doing something extraordinary for God: a desire to become a full-time missionary. In university, I had the opportunity to discern if this desire was God’s plan for me. As much as I had the zeal to serve, challenges began to arise, including my fallen mental health. 

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, which became one of the few main factors that determined it wasn’t time for me to become a full-time missionary. In some way, even though I knew it wasn’t true, I felt as though I had lost my identity as a missionary and this devastated me. I felt like I had failed God and this crushed me even more. 

For years, I cried asking God, 

“How could something so good that I spent my whole life wanting and devoting so much time to, how could it not be for me?”

Despite not having this particular dream come true, it’s taken me years to understand that God’s actual dream for me is more significant and life-giving than anything else that could have happened. Over the past 7 years of my life, I can see several of the wonderful ways that God pursued me, loved me, and desired my good as He transformed me into a new missionary.

After graduating from university, I still had the heart to serve God in my community, and transitioned into the young adult ministry of CFC Singles for Christ. I still struggled with managing my mental health. However, after a growing devotion to receiving the Eucharist daily, I received psychological healing through the Holy Spirit. Especially when I let Him love me through my family, friends, and medical professionals. Over time, I began to pray for new dreams for the next stage of my life, career, and vocation.

Above all the missional work that the Holy Spirit has done in me, the greatest gift has been experiencing a deepening intimacy with Him. In my limited human capacity, I’ve received the Gift of Knowledge and learned the truth about who God is to me and who I am to Him. 

I’m resolved that God is my Father. He is the Giver of all good gifts and I’m His beloved. There is no specific act of service I need to do to earn His love. I believe Jesus is the Christ, the Son of the Living God, who has saved me from my sin and walks with me, helping me carry my cross, and desiring to give Himself, His mercy, and companionship always. 

The Holy Spirit, whom I’ve felt like I’ve known the longest, is my Counsellor and guide. He leads me to truth, beauty, and goodness in the Catholic Church and guides my steps to wherever I am called to go. God knows my poverty and despite my limitations, by His grace and providence, He still encourages me to serve Him. 

I thought my desire for mission was over when my dream of becoming a missionary didn’t come true in the way I wanted. 

But with time and patience, I’ve learned that God wastes nothing.

All the years I spent serving in my youth prepared me for the variety of work He was calling me to in the past seven years and will continue to serve as the foundation for the work I hope He will do through me in the future.


Kleah Zara is a parishioner at Holy Rosary Cathedral.